My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
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It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
i hate you platonically
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”