To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
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Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.