Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
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My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.