Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
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[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.