Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
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You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
January is lasting longer than my marriage
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”