Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
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Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.