[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
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Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink