If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
You Might Also Like
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.