This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
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Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
congratulations to them
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
What?!?
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
something like this could probably happen to anyone
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.