Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
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In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.