gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
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suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
when there are deer in the woods
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
Trumpy Cat
Dead sexy!!
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
me and my fake scenarios
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …