Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
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You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
Tier 3 meme
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney