howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
You Might Also Like
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
Made something I’m not proud of
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
I love it all
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
Thursday Thought.
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”