I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
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If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
back to work
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾