I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
You Might Also Like
If you had more money you’d be happier.
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
Reporter: *ports again*
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.