I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
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my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
another case of gang violins
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
I’m having an out of money experience.
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it