My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
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What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
this has done me in for some reason
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”