tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
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Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
congratulations to them
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.