baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
You Might Also Like
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.