Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
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Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
oh good, now I can stop drinking
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro