this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
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I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
Mountain Goat : )
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM