My favorite animal is fried chicken.
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Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
Had to try this trend 😊
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
me irl
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw