Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
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Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
Finally, an instrument I can play!
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first