Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
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I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
Phones down.
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit