I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
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Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall