Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
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Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
My favorite female superhero
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal