I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
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Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
The devil.
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale