Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
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[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
dictator is short for richard potato
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN