I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
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I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?