Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
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Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?