How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
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Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
Double negatives are never not confusing.
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.