“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
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i love modern commerce
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
Ok, but like, how married are you?
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
Just got to our Airbnb!
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.