I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
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People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!