CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
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I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
wow he looks just like him
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.