Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
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[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
lmfao
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.