[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
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Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.