My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
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My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
Why is this me 😫
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW