Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
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And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?