Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
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Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners