The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
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So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.