Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
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[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
Important reminders
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
this post was so formative to me
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.