Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
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The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
when mom throws a party…
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth