[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
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Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.