Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
You Might Also Like
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
boat question
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot