[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
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After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it