People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
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In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun