You Might Also Like
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …