If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
You Might Also Like
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
never deleting this app.
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here