Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
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Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you