I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
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WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
work smarter, not harder
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today